Lord Jesus, as I go on in this reflection, I ask You to help me revisit and reassess myself. Let me become a part of the drama of Your Paschal Mystery, that eve of Your selfless sacrifice on the excruciating wood of the cross, at least for this moment, and let me configure myself with a friend of Yours whom You loved dearly. Good Jesus, if there is a character in the Passion Narrative that I relate most with, that person would be Peter. The story of Peter’s denial of You is one of the most extremely unpleasant and upsetting in the Gospels. I see myself in Peter. He was one of Your closest friends and most committed followers, yet he denied You, not just once, but three times.
I have been unfaithful to You, Lord Jesus, that is why I see a reflection of myself in Peter. Lord, I am no better than Peter. I should not even try to compare. He denied You three times because he feared for his life. I deny You not only three times but countless number of times and not because my life is in peril but because I want my life to be easy and pleasurable at the expense of good moral conduct. Whenever I sin, I act just like Peter: I deny Jesus by my sinful thoughts, words, and deeds. Peter could have stood it if You had turned and reviled him; but that voiceless, grief-laden look of Yours went to his heart like a sword and opened a fountain of tears. O bone Iesu, whenever I deny You, kindly stare at me as You once did to Peter. Let Your gentle and merciful glance bring me to repentance and conversion.
Lord Jesus, You said a very lovely thing to Peter. "When you have turned, strengthen your brothers." It is as if You said to Peter, "You will deny Me; and you will weep bitter tears; but the result will be that you will be better able to help your brothers who are going through it." Truly, Lord, I would also like to hear the same words of consolation from You. I believe that to experience the shame of failure and disloyalty is not all loss, because it gives me a lesson on sympathy and an understanding that otherwise I would never have won. You understand. You love us in spite of what we do because You love us, not for what we are, but what we have it in us to be. Your forgiving love is so great that You see our real personality, not in our faithfulness, but in our loyalty, not in our defeat by sin, but in our teaching after goodness, even when we are defeated.
Whenever I ask You for forgiveness, the very words of Peter after he denied You three times echo in my mind : “Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.” Yes, my Lord, Peter loved You. Who would not, after three years of being in Your company? Peter must have spent every day with You, learning, healing, sailing, and probably laughing and joking around. Yet the basic instinct of self-preservation seized him when some people noted that he was one of Your followers. He denied You, not because he did not love You any longer, but because he feared for his dear life. He met Your eyes, Your gentle and merciful eyes, and saw that You understood. Those eyes full of compassion and understanding pierced his heart and so he wept bitterly. Lord Jesus, when You met him again after the resurrection, all he could say was: “Lord, You know everything; You know that I love You.”
Peter claimed that he loved You, but I think that what he really meant was You loved him in spite of his disloyalty. That was why he wept bitterly. I believe that when You saw him cry, You also shed tears of sympathy. Yes, Lord, I would always imagine You forgive with tears in Your eyes. I believe that You love us more than we can even comprehend. As I see myself in Peter, I realize that Your mercy is infinitely greater than the worst of my sins. You are always ready to forgive those who return to You.
Lord, You did not reject Peter although Peter rejected You. You did not “fire” Peter from his role as a leading apostle. You did not expect perfection, or anything close to it. Why is this good news for me? Because it means that I can be useful in Your mission today in spite of shortcomings and outright failings. It means that I can be forgiven when I fail. Lord, I am not suggesting that Christian leaders ought to forget about living as moral exemplars. But I am taking comfort in the fact that when I fail to live as I should, You are able not only to forgive but also to restore me as a leader in Your Kingdom. Peter’s denial of You sets the stage for his deeper experience of God’s grace. This same, amazing grace, enables me and all of us to serve You.
Help me, Lord, not to deny You anymore. True, Peter failed; but he failed in a situation which none of the other disciples even dared to face. I ask You to grant me the same courage to follow You to the end. When hard times come, help me to trust You more. When my adrenaline starts to pound, clouding my mind and suffocating my heart, help me to receive Your peace. When I am tempted to deny You, either in words or deeds, or by failing to speak or act, help me to trust and obey. May I live my whole life in honor of you!
